Living Single in the Sector

December 9, 2008 | Women

Do I continue living life by myself?
Milking the single life till my last breath
I know I found someone to fulfill my needs
Why do I need to question how it should be?

Do-gooders need love, too! A couple months ago, I had a great time talking with the ladies from our DC Women Rule! Meetup group over mugs of spiced chai. We discussed our big ideas for social change, finding the balance between work and sleep, and the severe lack of romance in our lives. One of the ladies told me she can’t date until she raises enough money for her nonprofit. We all wondered if we’ll ever get married. And I realized that most of my friends who work in the nonprofit field are single, however they will say that it’s not by choice. And they will lament many reasons why they lack a significant other, listed in no particular order:

I’m way too busy saving the world to make time to go on a date
I have too many volunteer obligations
I can’t find a man who is “socially conscious”
The men that ARE socially conscious don’t like women
The men that ARE socially conscious and DO like women aren’t physically attractive
It’s too hard to meet men in a big city like Washington, DC

And etc. and etc. Now don’t go shooting the messenger; this is what I hear from Boston to DC to Denver to Atlanta to Toronto…from young, talented, beautiful women working in the nonprofit sector. What’s most compelling to me is the fact that most of the women I know put their nonprofit work first, and their love lives second. We are too passionate about our respective causes to share that passion with a potential mate. Myself included. I’m just as guilty as anyone. When I do have a boyfriend, he comes second to my work in the community. Hence why I am single today, and wondering whether all us that are living single in the sector need to rethink our values for our inner lives, if in fact being single is NOT by choice.

I say this, too, because I recently heard a very well-known female nonprofit leader speak on a panel. She has had an extremely distinguished career, and has always been on of my role models for how I wanted to influence the nonprofit community. She stood up and told the audience that she just turned 44, and finally took a good hard look at her life. She has a great career that has impacted thousands of people over the years. She gave her life over to the cause for so long, she couldn’t remember that last time she had a man be interested in her. She works hard, then goes home to her dog. And she said she realized she had forgotten to take care of her inner self this whole time and decided to go to therapy to get her life back on track.

She said that she hoped that would not happen to us.

After I heard this woman speak, I had to take a breath of witness. I could see myself in her, 20 years from now. I could see many of my friends in her as well. We pride ourselves on saving the world, but forget to save ourselves.

What do you think? Are you living single in the sector by choice or looking for a partner in saving the world?

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Tags: Women, Work/Life Balance

Mazarine

Dear Rosetta,

Thanks for writing about this, I have known a lot of women in the nonprofit world who have made their jobs come first. For me, going on a date became a ritual that I would use to tear myself away from fundraising work. For about a year and a half, I was on a date two or three nights a week, just meeting people, getting to see who they were for an hour over coffee. It gave me a sparkle in my eye, and it gave me a sample of the human population.

My criteria were simple. "Can this person ask me one good question about myself?" and "Does this person know how to listen?" You would be surprised at how many people failed this criteria. It was nice to meet someone with a social conscience, but I figured that could come later, and what I was really looking for was connection.

Mazarine
http://wildwomanfundraising.com
Maya Norton

I think we live most fully when our lives are full of love, but we shouldn't mistake or replace the love of our work and communities with romantic love or the joy that creating a family can bring. Who better than champions of social justice to bring more love to the world?

Dating and marriage may take time and energy, but a good love relationship will ultimately pay back a thousandfold for the support, motivation, and sense of wholeness it can bring.
Elisa

@Rosetta and @elledub You can imagine what it was like when I worked in the women's movement - I met or saw maybe 1 to 2 men a week! In fact, when I left the Feminist Majority, I hadn't spent more than a few minutes in a man's company in over a year! I was totally skittish around guys. It sounds crazy, but being in an insular, female-only environment led to my 'guy skills' atrophying. There were times when I was afraid I would never meet a man again :)
elledub

"Though I agree that many of us are single due to personal choices (whether we realize them or not) we shouldn’t forget that by working in nonprofits, we are working in a female-dominated environment, demographically speaking. Add that to the proportion of women to men in DC - not sure of the exact #, but its not 1 to 1 - and we’re in a double bind. So there is some truth to the statement that its hard to meet men: we don’t work with many and we don’t see many around us, period."

great points, elisa

and that's why i say that it's a matter of being where the men are sometimes....they don't bite!
rosettathurman

@Lisa - Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for Dunamis, which I just learned is a Greek word that means power :) I like the idea of women taking responsibility for our love lives: "Many black women really have not decided to take charge of their marriage goals and to begin spending time socially in non-black settings when it is not REQUIRED for work." It is all up to us; if we really and truly want to be in a relationship, we have to go after it.

@Elisa - SO glad you shared your pre-couple life here. It IS hard to meet men when you are around women in every aspect of your professional life. In my case, I find it harder to keep men than to meet them, but that's another story. But I appreciate what you say about rethinking our assumptions. I keep waiting for the perfect nonprofit guy to show up, and I know I'm looking past other guys that could make me just as happy.

@Marco - Heeeyyyy! Thanks for coming by! It's interesting how you changed the way you interact with others by being more conscious of the fact that you would actually like to meet someone. A friend of mine recently told me that if I want a nonprofit type for a boyfriend, I should try meeting guys at the places I volunteer, etc. I'd never thought of it, but it has changed how I behave at these nonprofit functions. I dress up a little more, flirt intentionally, talk about myself vs. my org when I meet an available guy. But yes, it is a process. Baby steps indeed!
Marco

I've been in the social service sector for a number of years - single. I am guilty of using the "struggle" as an excuse for not involving myself in a relationship. As part of my self-imposed therapy, I changed the way I think about dating and have recently become more aware of opportunities to meet people - the vibes I give off are more welcoming.

I especially agree that my priorities might, sometimes, have been clouded by my desire to make a difference - to be the best do-gooder I could possibly be. In the past, I didn't stop to think about dating, or relationships in general, because I felt it was luxury in the grand scheme of things - there was too much work to be done.

Currently, I date about twice a month; that's about all I can handle right now (baby steppin'). I have found that with this new approach, I am more productive at work and am a better friend to those outside of the industry.

After all, no one said we had to save the world by ourselves!
Elisa

Though I agree that many of us are single due to personal choices (whether we realize them or not) we shouldn't forget that by working in nonprofits, we are working in a female-dominated environment, demographically speaking. Add that to the proportion of women to men in DC - not sure of the exact #, but its not 1 to 1 - and we're in a double bind. So there is some truth to the statement that its hard to meet men: we don't work with many and we don't see many around us, period.

Beyond that, I do agree that if we work too much or volunteer too much, we have inherently placed a higher value on those activities versus dating or being in a relationship. Just like anything else - advancing in your nonprofit career for example - you have to put some time and effort into meeting people, dating, sorting the good from the bad, etc. You also have to look inside yourself before you begin and decide what you want, what you will put up with and what is a deal breaker. I don't mean to make love sound like a job, but sometimes I see women who can manage and organize their professional life to the tee, but somehow expect Mr. (or Ms.) Perfect to fall into their laps without effort. We don't get anything else without working hard for it, why do we expect this to come easy?

Full disclosure: I am in a very happy long-term relationship right now, but I remember what it was like when I was totally single. And I will say that we started dating after I put some time into the online dating scene and met some different people. Plus, I had to put aside some of the (naive) assumptions I had about the kind of guy I would date and love: I assumed that he would be a politically active Dem, work in a nonprofit, etc. He doesn't do those things or think the same way I do What is more important - and most important - is that we love each other and he treats me like gold. 'Nuff said.
BlackWomenBlowTheTrumpet

Hello there!

I just linked to you on Twitter! (smiles)

I will speak on this issue from the black woman's point of the table... many black women REFUSE (yes, refuse!) to consider partnering choices outside of their own race based on how they were conditioned to believe that expanding culturally reflects a "betrayal" of being black...

Yes, there are many who THINK this way.

Meanwhile, black men continue to choose WHOMEVER they please...

I think that many black women do not realize that while black people are 14% of this country's population and they make up about 8% of the population that MARRIABLE black men are about 1.7% of the population. It is mathematically impossible for all marriable black women to have a black mate (heterosexual relationships, I mean).

Many black women really have not decided to take charge of their marriage goals and to begin spending time socially in non-black settings when it is not REQUIRED for work. Perhaps they are afraid... many were also conditioned to think that "no one is choosing black women in other races". Yes...I've met many who believe this... it's unfortunate but this is the conditioning of many I've spoken to online.

Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!
Lisa
rosettathurman

@elledub - I like your dad's advice! "If you want to meet boys you should be where the boys are."

@Hildy - Thanks for stopping by! I like what you say about being intentional about what we want from life, being single doesn't just somehow "happen" to us. If we want to be in a romantic relationship, we should be prioritizing that. When you put it that way, making saving the world a priority doesn't seem like a bad thing. I think when it our ONLY priority that it can become an issue. No pain, no gain; all work, no balance.
Hildy Gottlieb

I guess I just see things differently. I just don't see being single (or many other “life conditions” for that matter) as something that happens in spite of our best intentions. I see that our expectations and intentions and priorities create our actions, and those actions create the results - our lives. We are not victims of our lives; we lead our lives where they go.

Using myself as an example, I have often joked with friends that, at the ripe old age of 51, if money were important to me, I'd likely have a bunch of it by now. I think the same is true for wherever our hearts lead us in our lives. If we are dedicating our lives to making the world better, we are making that choice - we are prioritizing.

And so, while there are probably other things we might like also - perhaps to have more time for friends and companions, perhaps to indeed have a pile of money to roll around in - we make our daily choices based on what is the very most important thing to us. If it were no longer the most important thing, we would stop doing it, and choose a different life.

Folks change their priorities and their lives all the time. Just type “recovering attorney” into Google and you’ll find a lot of them! :-) Until that happens, though, the most important priority will prevail (even if that priority is fear of change...). The rest is all secondary, no matter how important it might also be.
elledub

great post.

I think the problem that women in the non profit sector have with finding a mate or just dating in general is a problem that women in lots of sectors have....there are tons of single women in Dc and other cities and a lot of them say that they are alone or can't find someone to date.

i do think that our priorities and our devotion to the cause and to our careers does play a role in it though....we spend so much time saving the world and climbing the ladder that we don't really find ourselves in a place where we can meet someone to date and maybe marry.

then--and i hate to say this but i've found it to be true--i simply think women are pickier than men. and sometimes it's okay to be picky but i can bet here are a few single women in non profits who have this dream of finding someone who's in the sector, or finding someone who works on/cares about the same issues you do....or just want someone who's this tall, or this athletic, or this educated or this or that.

lastly: when i went to an all girls high school i would always complain to my parents: how am i supposed to meet boys?

my dad would say, if you want to meet boys you have should be where the boys are.

so, the best way to meet someone is to be out there so you can meet them....it's easy to get wrapped up in our work but we all have to take a break now and then.
rosettathurman

@Allison - I said "saving ourselves" in the sense that many women working in nonprofits DO want romance, but don't make it a priority and lose out on a chance for happiness in that realm of life. Not that I believe that we need men or any mate to boost our self-esteem, but that women that say they want a partner somehow don't make the time to nurture that part of themselves. I also tend to date men that aren't passionate about any cause, but that is not really by choice!

It's interesting that you bring up how our values play out (or don't) when we're choosing someone to date. I hadn't really ever thought about that! I honestly would not date someone who was unemployed or an ex-con...even though I am on the board for a nonprofit that trains ex-cons & helps to find them jobs. Does that make me a hypocrite?
Allison @ Entry Level Living

Why do you equate romance with "saving yourself?" While understand the desire to be in a loving relationship I hate how much of our self esteem--especially women--hinges on being liked by men. However, if you truly want to be in a relationship, you cant make being busy a barrier. That's the one thing you do have control over.

Additionally how about the fact that we may be fighting for a cause/equality but refuse to let the messages within those causes infiltrate who we choose to date? Would you date an ex-con? Would you date someone unemployed or on welfare? Would you date someone without a college degree? How are we defining social consciousness? Someone who can wax poetic about West and Dyson or someone who believes there is a problem and has a few ideas on how to fix it?

Ive addressed this issue before since most of the men I date are NOT like me in terms of profession or education. We tend to be in different fields doing different things but all I ask is that he care about something. Doesnt have to be politics, but it has to be something that is meaningful to other people.
rosettathurman

Of course men are welcome here! Thanks for your comments, fellas.

@Brandon - You really hit on a chord that is probably more personal than many of us would like to think about. It may very well be that if we were to look in the mirror, we might find that we create our own sense of busyness so we don't have to deal with the intricacies of starting a real romantic relationship.

@Andre - Wonderful way to look at this! We forget this: "those minutes and hours that slip away from us can never be recovered." I know we are young and think we will live forever, especially me as I always say I will sleep when I'm dead. But what you said makes me think about how as young people,we can expand our thinking about being successful in life to go beyond goals that are related to work. I also want balance! And it's gotta be OK to pursue that, even as I'm advancing in my career.
Andre Blackman

I'm also a guy commenting and hope that's ok Rosetta! This goes out to both men and women and can be applied to a range of issues dealing with personal fulfillment vs accomplishment.

What I've learned over the past few years is that it is perfectly fine to want to save the world and work hard to see good things come to pass in your career - BUT in order to continue being effective and being happy with those results, it is imperative to take care of yourself. If you really do want to be involved in a relationship but are saying you don't have time, that is a red flag. For that matter, if you are saying you just need some downtime for yourself to relax and enjoy life but don't have the time, big red flag. The last part of your post is the really important part and one that I wanted to expand upon just a bit. The woman who mentioned that she does not want the same thing that happened to her to happen to others is VERY important to take note of. Also, those who have gone before us know quite a bit more than we do - it would be an error on our part not to take heed.

Right now many of us have youth and tons of energy on our side, but over time that obviously changes. There will always, always be work to do - always be a noble cause to pursue, but those minutes and hours that slip away from us can never be recovered. And one thing I know is true: regret is a tough pill to swallow and often times its sting never fully goes away.

If you don't take care of you, no one else will and in the focus of this post, that might ring even more true. Kudos to Brandon for some great insight as well.

~Andre
Brandon Best

I hope I am not intruding, being a male writing in response to this article that seems to be geared towards females. However, after reading your post, I really wonder if this is always the case or is there some form of socio-emotional underlying source of this issue. Of course every situation is different, but I am sure that anxiety plays a significant role of one’s total emersion into their work. This is not to say that people do not become emerged with their work unless there is some form of anxiety, however, people in general share a few commonalities, one of those is to be loved. So why avoid looking for what you want? Why not enjoy the pursuit of happiness? This leads me to a few theories behind the “single in the sector” mantra:
1. Fear of rejection/ failure
2. Fear of commitment
3. Fear of sharing power or feeling subservient
Anxiety forces us to avoid situations that may cause us to become uneasy. Therefore, instead of facing our anxiety we emerge ourselves into something that we love, or something that is relatively easy. In this case it is work.
I believe that we are quick to state that there is no one out there, but rarely do we take an in-depth look at man/woman in the mirror.

“If we can save the world one person at a time…why not start with ourselves.”
- me