Right now I am in a relationship that scares the hell out of me. Jim – the rocket scientist I have been gushing about on Twitter – and I have been dating for two months, and it’s totally freaking me out how amazing he is. So I thought it would be a good time to follow up on my post last year about what it’s like being young and living single in the nonprofit sector. But first, let me back up a little bit so I don’t sound like a complete lunatic.
Last year, I started to like babies. To people who don’t know me offline, this might seem a little weird. What kind of woman doesn’t like babies? Oh, I couldn’t stand them. They cried too much, especially on airplanes and right when it gets to the good part in the movie theater. And they spit up and put everything in their mouths and need you to change their diapers constantly. I always said I would never, ever give birth to a screaming kid who would suck up all my money with buying baby formula, too many toys, and Osh Kosh B’Gosh clothes they would grow out of way too fast. This reluctance to consider motherhood of course, is also linked to the fact that I was always ambivalent about marriage, even though I’ve been engaged – twice. But getting married was never on the top of my list of goals for my life. And it’s not that I don’t meet nice guys that are husband material – I do, all the time. Jim is no different. Almost every man I’ve ever met has wanted to settle down and get married – contrary to all the recent reports that African American women are not finding men who want to marry them. I know it’s just because I always struggled with prioritizing my boyfriend over my nonprofit career. When faced with putting the time and effort into a long-term relationship, I have often chosen blogging or working late or traveling to a ton of conferences in my field. I’ve sometimes joked that if I would be fine if I ended up just like Oprah – rich, famous, and unmarried. I could live with that.
Then, seven months ago I turned 26 and everything started to change. My younger cousin had a baby – Elijah Marquis – and I completely fell in love with that kid. I could play with him all day, despite his baby drool and crying fits. Then I started becoming interested in other people’s kids. Before, I could care less about the baby pictures my friends were posting on Facebook as they began to build families of their own. I quickly got bored when my colleagues at work would tell stories about their kids. Now I smile when I see parents pushing their little ones in strollers, and peruse my friends’ baby photo albums saying “awww” the whole time.
I started my PhD program around the same time that I met Jim. I was convinced that at least for the next three years, I would be living the single life, maybe casually dating every once in a while. Then I figured out that there’s no such thing as balance when you’re a PhD student, and you have to live, love and learn all at once. Little did I know that the “love” part would hit so close to home. I had tried to compartmentalize my career, my school, my relationships, and it just wasn’t working. Then I did an interview with Samuel Issac Richard, who is one of my favorite Generation Y nonprofit leaders, who summed it all up nicely in describing his recent engagement to his girlfriend Kim:
For me, it’s hard to separate my passion for social justice and a stronger sector from my love for Kim. I know that sounds cheesy, but I say it because I don’t believe that the priorities have to be “balanced.” Maybe some see romantic relationships and marriage as barriers to success in a career, but my relationship with Kim has done nothing but aided and abetted my addiction to social change – and that won’t change anytime soon. She is my biggest fan and extremely supportive, but questions my crazy theories and challenges my assumptions. She is honest about my faults, but only because she believes that I can be better. And I’d like to think that I offer the same support and challenge for her. We work really well together, mainly because we understand that we’re in this together – whatever “this” happens to be at the moment. I’m looking forward to our next chapter, and trust that our story will not be unique among those that value their partner as an accomplice in the pursuit of their dreams.
Dating someone seriously is a lot harder when you separate your nonprofit work from your life. It becomes more difficult to “fit everything in” within the time you have outside of doing the work of social change. When you have someone that supports your work, it makes it a lot easier. But like Sam says, it also helps to think of romantic relationships and marriage as a complement to your life, rather than something that needs to be “put off” until you graduate from school, or get to a certain point in your career. As Penelope Trunk says, you have your whole life to get a career. And that there is never a “right time” to settle down.
In case you’re waiting for “the right time,” there is no evidence to show when is best to interrupt a career to have a child. No matter when it happens, a women’s career is thrown off track. Phyllis Moen, professor of sociology at the University of Minnesota, says, “Don’t wait until the right time in your career to have a child or it will never come.”
So, back to the rocket scientist. I went to New York last weekend to meet Jim’s parents for the first time. If my level of nervousness was any indication of how much I’m into him, then call me a fool in love. Thankfully, it was a great experience – me and his parents really hit it off. As soon as I walked in the door, it felt like I had come home. We went to his best friend’s wedding where his high school friends asked if we were engaged. His dad started calling me his “daughter-in-law” towards the end of the weekend.
And then I started thinking about babies again.
What freaks me out is that, at least for this one delicious moment in my life, I’ve found “an accomplice in the pursuit of my dreams” and it’s not something I want to ruin because I’m thinking a long-term relationship will get in the way of my saving the world.
What’s your experience been like? Is it hard living single in the nonprofit sector? Do you think Generation Y’s life priorities will naturally change as we get older, or is it something we have to do intentionally?
LOL.
You and I have completely switched places it seems.
At the beginning of this year, I was in a long-term relationship. We went our separate ways because while I was so busy especially with my career, I was willing to make the time for the relationship and my partner at the time was not. I took about 3 or 4 months before I got back in the dating game.
So far, it’s okay. I’ve actually had a chance to think about what I really want and while eventually I want a relationship I’m okay with dating around a bit before I find the right person. I know that I eventually want to start a family and have kids and I’ve always been that way. But at my age and at this point in my career, I think it _is_ hard to find someone who wants that too.
That’s not to say that I don’t think men want to get married or anything like that. But I think when you’re in yr mid-20s and sometimes late 20s/early 30s and you’re a man living in a city like DC where there are so many more women than me, you fail to realize why a long-term relationship is something they would want and aren’t willing to stick around to find out. I think this will change as I approach my late 20s but right now it’s a little harder to find.
I’ve decided that instead of putting pressure on myself to hurry up and become someone’s girlfriend, wifey, life partner, boo, or what have you that perhaps I want to take the time to get to know someone as a person and even as a friend and to enjoy that process…I think if it’s meant to be everything else will follow after that.
I gotta say that I’m really happy to see this post Rosetta. I may not have been explicit about it last time, but I thought your last post on this subject was a bit of a cop-out: “I don’t have time, I can’t meet a good man, etc.” And there you go meeting a great guy who makes you feel giddy
I’ve wavered between more or less solid lines (or ‘balance’ if you will) between my career and my personal life and I’m sure that it will continue to change month to month and year to year. I’m lucky enough at this point to be able to pretty clearly separate the two, but I’m sure once I go to grad school or whatever, some of that will change.
But no matter the ‘line’ or lack thereof, the important thing is that I am much more open to having the support and love that a true partner can bring and I also realize how much it helps me drive toward that social good. Sam hit that nail on the head!
If you’re lucky, you’ll keep getting that support you need and you can keep feeling giddy for a long time
When I read your interview, with Sam, I said he’s a rare one! Most men (or at least the ones I meet) are not ready to marry until their 30’s. They take a little longer to mature, they want to go out & “see what’s out there” *wink wink* before they settle. With that said, I was married @ 25 years to a man from West Africa who had not been to the States yet at that time, so he had been conditioned to marry & have kids at a younger age. However, 7 years later, we still don’t have kids — and it’s my own fault. I wanted to do other things – figure out my career, go to grad school, travel — most of which becomes harder to do once a baby shows up. Now I’ve done most of that and finally feel ready to have some kids. I too got tired of women and all their boring baby stories with the photos to go along with it. Now I listen for potential tips on child rearing. So for your, Rosetta, sometimes it takes meeting the right person to put your life in perspective.
@Loryn – I know, we have totally switched places. But it seems like you never had the problem of making time for romantic relationships…it’s just that some guys may not have been the “right” guys. It sounds like you will know the right guy when you meet him and be able to put your all into the process…I have a lot to learn from you lady!
@Elisa – When I met Dan, I could tell how super supportive he is for your life, which is something I’ve always wanted/needed. I had low expectations that I would find anyone that could provide that since they didn’t “understand” my nonprofit work or had no sense of social responsibility whatsoever. But yeah, right now I’m feeling lucky…
@Halona – I didn’t know you were married! I guess I always assume all my peers are single like me
Wow – it took 7 years for you to think about kinds, huh – good thing you got married early! I’m taking this quote with me today: “sometimes it takes meeting the right person to put your life in perspective.”
I love this post. It’s so honest– and it’s a topic that has just got to be on the minds of every young woman working in the nonprofit sector (and outside of it!)!
Call me an optimist, but I like the idea that you don’t need to pick; you can be both personally and professionally happy and have a guy that makes you giddy. Perhaps it’s my generation Y entrepreneurial, change-the-world attitude, but I cannot imagine myself– or my peers in the nonprofit sector– allowing passion for evoking change to take a back-seat for long, if at all.
Check out this interesting post by Allison Kingsley: “Who You Marry Matters” http://www.damselsinsuccess.com/blogs/blog.aspx?id=148 She concludes by saying, “So, Damsels, when you think about how to develop yourself professionally, don’t underestimate the power of a good relationship with a good man.”
Thanks again for a great post, Rosetta!
It must be in the air. I have been fussing over a post about dating at this stage of my life.
After my last break up I took a break from dating. I wanted to get to know “me” again. I finally had the space to make my career mine and to not apologize for my priorities.
I woke up the other day and decided I want to date again. It is so complicated when career is front and center. Things are really starting to take off in many areas of my life, but I want to be able to dedicate quality time (if not quantity) to a relationship too…
Glad you turned the corner, Rosetta
So excited for you and the rocket scientist!
Rosetta,
Thanks for sharing your real thoughts, experiences and feelings towards this topic. I feel like our generation has been ingrained with this concept of the all “elusive” career. It’s something abstract and intangible that we don’t quite know what it is or what is looks like, but we know that when we get “there,” we’ll know it.
This is especially hard in the non-profit and social change field because we feel it’s for the greater good, the greater cause, and it’s so intrinsically tied to who we are. Preparing for marriage this past year, I’ve had to step back and review where I am and where I want to be when it comes to my priorities.
I’m happy to say our wedding is on October 10th. If there’s any career where you need a motivator, an accomplice or that extra loving support, it’s in our field. Tonight, my mom gave me great advice. So often we decide on the what and then worry about the how when the truth is that the “how” and the “making it all fit” will be provided for us.
Again, thanks for sharing!
God bless.