“Life is the experiencing of the experience.” – Sarah Susanka
One of my favorite R&B/soul artists is Maxwell, who just released BLACKsummers’night, a long-awaited album after taking an eight-year hiatus from the music scene. The first day it came out on iTunes, I snapped that baby up, and it’s been on repeat in my iPod ever since. One of my favorite songs on the new album is “Stop the World”, a song about being with the one you love while the world rages outside. The lyrics conjure up an image of a couple making the most of their moment together, ignoring whatever is going on around them. The message is so powerful for me – to be present in the moment, that the only time that really exists is Now. That’s been my theme song for the past week while I was on vacation in Hawaii with my boyfriend Jim. We relaxed on the beach on the beautiful island of Oahu, enjoying the sun and the sand and the salt on our faces.
About halfway through the week, I received my final grade from my first PhD class: a big fat C+. Despite earning “A” grades on all my papers, the rest of the coursework – SPSS, research jargon, weekly online discussions – didn’t come to me as easily as I had expected. I’ve never been a C+ student. Ever. I was crushed, but I knew why I didn’t do as well as I could have. I wasn’t willing able to sacrifice enough time to devote to the program like our professors had warned us. I still wanted to hang out with my friends, hit up the happy hours, and go on dates instead of studying constantly. There were times I fell asleep in the library or at 4am propped up in my bed with my laptop tangled up in the blankets after reading what seemed like a gazillion peer-reviewed articles. It probably didn’t help that I also held down four part-time jobs in the process, which is way more flexible, but demands a ton of mental energy. Ordinarily, a C+ wouldn’t be so bad – in undergrad, you just average that sucker out with a few As and Bs. But with a PhD, you only have 2 chances to maintain a 3.0 GPA – meaning next semester I would have to earn an A- just to stay in the program. Instead of putting on additional pressure by killing myself to try to get perfect grades next time, I decided to do something that I have never done in an academic setting before. I hate to even write it down for you dear readers, but then I remember that one of the reasons I write is to find truth.
I quit. Well, not exactly. I took a leave of absence until next May, which is kind of like a deferral, since I won’t have to pay again. I have to thank all of you that sent me such sweet, encouraging messages and emails telling me I could succeed in this new educational journey. You were right to believe in me, but maybe what I learned in this first semester is that maybe I’m not yet ready to begin the journey. I love leadership studies, but maybe this is just my brain telling me an online degree program isn’t for me. Maybe I need to be in the classroom just like my students do, to ask questions and see the expression on my professor’s face when we both learn something from each other.
Or maybe I just need to take a page from my boy Maxwell’s book. When asked why it took him eight years to release his newest album, he said he just needed to “take time off.” All I know is that when I was supposed to be researching, all I wanted to do was have fun and blog and teach and be present. I just wanted someone to come and stop the world so I could look around for a minute. Hopefully by next May I will have figured out a way to reconfigure my life so I can hold it all and start school all over again – on the right foot this time. Right now I feel like I’m saying “no” to school so I can say “yes” to living my best life.
So what am I going to do now? What happens tomorrow, when I should have been starting my second PhD semester? I don’t know. I will probably not go back to working full-time, but read and write and watch all the movies in my Netflix queue instead. What do you do when you don’t know what to do next? I suppose you just be - until the right answer comes and sits down beside you. Because even when you face the potential of failure and take the leap off that cliff, you still have to figure out how to build your wings so you can make it all the way down.
For me, for now, there is still the fresh memory of that one afternoon on Oahu last week when the world stopped for me. We went to the North Shore of the island and it was just the mountains and the palm trees swaying in the wind with infinite possibility. I’m remembering blue-green waves crashing into white sea foam and flat gray rocks kissing the shore. I’m still thinking of the grit of sand in my hair, salt on my lips, and the sky – the sky a great blue wonder smiling down over everything.
Great message in understanding your priorities and making tough decisions to achieve the balance you want in your life. Enjoy some well-deserved time of being for a bit and keep us posted on your plans.
Rosetta -
I have kept up with you for quite some time now and I must say that in the short amount of time that I have known you, you have accomplished an incredible amount. And not to discount any of it, but you have done so at such a young age. You have built a great “brand” around you and have imparted knowledge to countless individuals. Reading this was music to my ears – because I tend to be an overachiever and have bouts of burnout that leave me sometimes regretting.
You don’t want that to happen. This is the time in your life where you are still in growth mode, finding out so many things but also realizing that you will not have this time in your life again. I’m actually pretty happy that you have been given a blinking neon sign to rethink a few things and take some time to enjoy you and get some more perspective.
I’m cheering you on and in turn I refresh myself and my goals. Take care.
@Kevin – Yes, I am finally realizing that balance is not easy – there are ebbs and flows, and yes, tough decisions to make. Our generation thinks we can (and should) have it all, but “all” may not mean all at once.
@Andre – Thank you so much for those encouraging words! I admire your ambition as well. As overachievers, we want to do it all. There’s so many opportunities out there, so many goals we can pursue. It’s as if we have to be just as intentional with prioritizing being content and enjoying what we have & what we’re doing right now. I finally get to stop and appreciate where I am at this moment. Thank you, too, for the reminder that we ARE still so young, compared to how long it took our parents/grandparents to build their careers. I have to keep telling myself that I’ve got plenty of time!
Rosetta,
I’m very behind on my feeds, so I just saw this. I wanted to say congrats! Maybe that seems like a weird comment to offer, but I think congratulations are in order when someone figures out and hones in on what is most important to them.
Now that you have more free time…how about a happy hour/dinner soon?