Beware of Humble

Apr 25 25

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson

There seems to be two schools of thought around what type of attitude or demeanor a “good leader” should have. Some people think that a leader needs to always be way out front, extroverted and super confident about her ability to make things happen. This kind of leader is often perceived as narcissistic and hungry for attention from others. Other people believe that the mark of a true leader is that they have absolutely no desire for recognition and are content do things “behind the scenes” without needing to get credit for it. This kind of leader is often perceived as humble and not wrapped up in their ego.

As you might imagine, the first type of leader gets a pretty bad rap. In most circles, being the humble, modest leader is much more admirable. You will even hear some leaders say, “it’s not about me.” Even in my own work, I continue to be surprised to hear so many professionals express discomfort with the title of our book, How to Become a Nonprofit Rockstar because they don’t like the idea of being a “rockstar,” who they presume is someone who is all about self. It’s also the same objection that comes up when we talk about personal branding.

Why we don’t want to be rockstars

Most of us have been brought up or at least socialized to NOT want to be in the limelight, as if doing so implies that we’re arrogant assholes who only want to hear ourselves talk. Just look at the main definition of the word ‘humble’:

“not proud or arrogant; modest: to be humble although successful“

It’s almost as if there is an unspoken societal norm that the more awesome or successful you are, the less you’re allowed to acknowledge it. You have to pretend like you have no idea how amazing you are, lest people put you in the arrogance box. Because no one wants to be there. We’d rather be more Mother Theresa than Kanye West.

Beware of humble

Now, I’m not saying that we should be out there emulating the attitudes of today’s most narcissistic rappers, but there IS a danger in trying too hard to be humble. For starters, other definitions of the word ‘humble’ include:

having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.
low in rank, importance, status, quality, etc.; lowly
low in height, level, etc.; small in size
to lower in condition, importance, or dignity; abase
to destroy the independence, power, or will of

These negative connotations of what it means to be humble (or humbled) are what trouble me. In a world that needs empowered leaders now more than ever, being humble can often serve as an excuse for an unempowered approach to leadership. Being humble often encourages us to downplay our unique gifts in favor of playing small so that people don’t think that we think we’re “all that.” It can keep us from applying for jobs, asking for raises, starting our own businesses, taking on leadership roles in our communities or speaking up on issues that matter to us.

The alternative to humble

It may appear that our only choices are between two extremes: humble or arrogant. But our best selves actually live in the space between. Our best selves recognize that we are powerful beyond measure and that we can use that power to change the world. Our best selves know that our highest purpose on this earth is to manifest our gifts to help others. And once we finally let go of the fear of our own potential, we realize that it’s our unique gifts that allow us to be of greater service to others in the first place. Which is exactly what the world needs right now. More gifts, more service, more bright shining light.

What do you think? Is it important for leaders to be humble or is it OK for us to have a little swagger and confidence in our ability to serve?

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Categories: Leadership

CMHolden

Confidence can come from the abillity to work WITH others. I am interested in knowing what happens in the space of collaboration. If someone is confident they are more open to other’s opinions and it is not just about them so swagger would not be necessary but also would not be detrimental. Sense of humor as opposed to swagger is helpful I believe.

http://www.rosettathurman.com/ Rosetta Thurman

Thanks for sharing your thoughts about confidence: “If someone is confident they are more open to other’s opinions” – I agree & love the idea that our own confidence is an asset to how we work with others.

Lenee

This is great advice, you do have to find a balance. I say shine on. The beauty about being individuals is that we can define what it means to be a “Rockstar” on our own terms.

http://www.rosettathurman.com/ Rosetta Thurman

Yes! Plus I think the process of leadership itself is what allows us the freedom to figure out what being a rockstar looks like for ourselves.

http://nonprofitchapin.wordpress.com Chapin

Gosh, I guess I’ve never looked up the word humble in the dictionary before. Very sad that there are such negative connotations to the word. I had a completely different perception of humility than being lowly and insignificant – I feel that humility is recognizing that we all have something to offer and that one of us is not better than the other, simply because we were born into a different family or have had different opportunity. That is the ideal I subscribe to in my personal and professional life, that I see in good leaders, and that is why I value humility. I don’t see it in relation to the spotlight or one’s confidence. I hope that leaders can be both confident and humble, for that’s often the best formula.
-Chapin

http://www.rosettathurman.com/ Rosetta Thurman

Thanks for some great food for thought with your view on humility Chapin: “I feel that humility is recognizing that we all have something to offer and that one of us is not better than the other, simply because we were born into a different family or have had different opportunity.” Hmm…! Appreciate you sharing here

http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila

The leaders I admire the most are humble – because as Chapin said below, humility is about knowing that you are not better than others, simply because you have this particular job or have been chosen for a particular position like Executive Director.

We have seen the problems with hero worship with the Greg Mortenson scandal — Mortenson came off as humble to the public, but in reality his actions were anything but. It is not enough to simply ‘appear’ humble — it is a quality that must be matched with ethical, moral standards in leadership.

Personally, I think we should stop hero worship and look at the results, bottom line of an organization. No longer will I blindly become enamored with people who seem bigger than life – from now on I will only appreciate those organizations with a strong emphasis on results and outcomes to alleviate poverty.

http://www.rosettathurman.com/ Rosetta Thurman

The Greg Mortenson scandal offers many leadership lessons, but the issue of hero worship is really up to the followers – we choose who we look up to & follow – but then we are also human & swayed by personality. Results & outcomes are important, but there is always *some* type of leader(s) behind the work, esp. founders who will often appear larger than life in terms of the work & sacrifice they have done. We just have to be responsible in our follow-ship & call people out when they are doing things they’re not supposed to. On the Greg tip? The board was 100% wrong for not taking disciplinary action with someone they were *supposed* to be supervising. But – I can also see how that could happen if they fancied him a hero.

http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila

I think it was difficult for the Board – there were only 2 board members other than Mortenson, and he refused to respond to any of their demands or requests for information. Apparently, he was very difficult to work with. All this being said, I think that while we in the public buy into hero worship, the blame partially lies also with Mortenson and others like him. This is why I worry about the growing movement towards social entrepreneurship — the public likes simple narratives and ‘hero’ figures who are exemplary leadership models. But it is really not so simple. In my opinion the focus should be on the results because far too often, they are ignored.

http://twitter.com/patricksallee Patrick Sallee

I agree with you on the Mortenson issue, especially if what is written in Three Cups of Deceit is true. Blatant disregard for ethics.

http://parisianfeline.wordpress.com Tatiana

To me, humility tends to mean someone who is downplaying their significance or contribution to a cause, idea or organization. If you were directly involved in helping or creating results, then you should most definitely accept that recognition. But I believe strongly that credit should be given where credit is due.

Ultimately, though, your life is about you because you’re the one who is living it. So while helping each other succeed and acheive common goals is excellent, I definitely don’t believe you should subjugate your own personal power simply because it was a group effort. People, I feel, are too afraid to use the word “I”, but I think having a healthy ego is very important because if you don’t, you might not have the strength or the will to stand up for yourself.

http://www.rosettathurman.com/ Rosetta Thurman

That’s the danger of humble that I was getting at – when people deny their own personal power & end up powerless to help themselves, let alone anyone else. Thanks for stopping by

John G

Rosetta,

Great post, thank you for bringing attention to an issue that does not get discussed. The balance I seek to strike between being humble and being arrogant is quiet confidence. You don’t have to be arrogant, but you shouldn’t be a shrinking violet when it comes to doing great work. Quiet confidence is not always an easy line to walk, but it provides that a little swagger is ok and even encouraged. There is no need to brag, no need to talk smack, no need to put down anyone else. It’s about accomplishing the mission, sharing the credit and recognizing that a rising tide raises all boats (soory for that cliche).
John

http://www.rosettathurman.com/ Rosetta Thurman

I love this, John – “quiet confidence” is a fantastic way to describe that balance. As long as the “quiet” part also allows for speaking up when we need to – something that’s so important in leadership.

Nichole Christian

Rosetta: thanks for saying what needed to be said. As someone who has strived to walk humbly, you opened my eyes to the pitfalls and how easy it is become a synonym for playing small. Still a fine line between walking with clear-eyed concern for others and tripping into ego, but you’ve given me much to think about. Write on, keep educating us. ~N

http://www.rosettathurman.com/ Rosetta Thurman

Thanks for stopping by, Nichole I’m starting to think there’s a bit of irony in people trying so hard NOT to get a big ego – it could be that because you’re aware of the pitfalls, you’re probably the least likely to fall into it.

http://twitter.com/patricksallee Patrick Sallee

Thanks for this great post Rosetta and everyone’s comments. I’ve been thinking about it this evening and for me it comes down to intent. As others have pointed out, it is about confidence compared to arrogance. arrogance is very dangerous, i would argue more so than being humble. But to your point weakness doesn’t change the world. A person with confidence and enough humility to know it isn’t all about them can make a huge impact.
http://huenguyen.com Hue Nguyen

What a coincidence. This topic has actually been on my mind for the last few weeks. I have worked in spaces where there are folks who do amazing community work, yet I find myself valuing their leadership less because they are not humble and constantly praising themselves. It makes it seems as though they have a motive to what they’re doing. Reflecting on my own work, I find myself acting too humble and doing a dis-service to myself and my professional skills and ability. I am always pinpointing the hiccups and rarely acknowledging the successes. I downplay the praises that I receive from others. Recently, I have started to realize that if I don’t recognize the great work that I am doing, no one else will. Showing more confidence in my abilities will allow me to go further and serve more people.
http://twitter.com/kelliekaminski Kellie Kaminski

What a wonderful post, Rosetta! I think this attitude is especially evident in the non-profit sector (the sector I know best). While I’m not trying to start a side discussion, we have great organizations and leaders that feel societal pressure to dim their own light. At the end of the day, if our leaders aren’t shining their brightest, it is the missions that suffer. The problems of the world are big and bad, so we need to be our “biggest, baddest” selves to solve them.
Sharonbr76

I agree that we should never shrink from our purpose, and that our own unique gifts are what make us shine individually. However, I have never viewed humility as weakness. I’ve always viewed humility as knowing that we are called to action by a higher purpose, and by recognizing that we are ALL called for this purpose, there is no need for ego. There is a dangerous line between arrogance, boastfulness, and being egocentric…I don’t have to puff up myself to prove that I am adequate. My confidence and passion for what I have been called to do will shine beyond.
http://twitter.com/NickSava Nick Savarese

It is a dog-eat-dog world out there and unfortunately you have to do some self-promotion both inside and outside your organization to advance in your career. This is especially true in nonprofts that do not have great internal communications in place. I have many times seen first-hand someone take the intiative to begin a project or forge a partnership “behind the scenes” only to have another individual get the credit for the project/partnership as it evolves and more people become involved. This is fine for the sake of the mission of the org (sort of) but ultimately not good for the professional who may get passed over the next time a job or committee position opens.

I have taken to sending organization-wide emails when I have initiated or accomplished something worthwhile for my org. Not necessarily to brag, but just so everyone associates me with a given successful project. The focus of any self-promotion should still be how your work is benefiting your organization, but there is nothing wrong with attaching your “personal brand” to these beneficial efforts. A similar approach can be taken with external communications.
http://twitter.com/gittydoe gittydoe

Great thoughts, and indeed i feel the space between is the best air to breathe, i ‘ve found out being to humble holds weight like dirt in air, and Being to cocky brings a vibe, of silent or even loud resentment from others… i guess that illustrious* balance we all are in search for
Anonymous

Humility is speaking confidently, but also knowing when to be quiet and listen intently. It’s knowing your strengths while recognizing what others have to offer that you cannot.

For example, when I do public speaking as a fulltime nonprofit professional, I feel confident and energized, but questions and perspectives from the audience often reveal grassroots activists who know and do an incredible amount despite busy day jobs and family responsibilities. And often I’ve spoken to people much older than I am who have tons more experience. Feeling humble in those moments means seeing how much we all can do when working together. And it’s exciting to realize how much I can learn from others.

All that said, I still struggle with finding the right balance, in no small part, I think, because of all the “nice girls don’t show off” messages I grew up with. I know many men have the same struggle, but I do think girls and women get much stronger socialization to not “show off.” It’s more subtle than it once was, but it’s still there, and research backs this up.
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