Right now I am in a relationship that scares the hell out of me. Jim – the rocket scientist I have been gushing about on Twitter – and I have been dating for two months, and it’s totally freaking me out how amazing he is. So I thought it would be a good time to follow up on my post last year about what it’s like being young and living single in the nonprofit sector. But first, let me back up a little bit so I don’t sound like a complete lunatic.
Last year, I started to like babies. To people who don’t know me offline, this might seem a little weird. What kind of woman doesn’t like babies? Oh, I couldn’t stand them. They cried too much, especially on airplanes and right when it gets to the good part in the movie theater. And they spit up and put everything in their mouths and need you to change their diapers constantly. I always said I would never, ever give birth to a screaming kid who would suck up all my money with buying baby formula, too many toys, and Osh Kosh B’Gosh clothes they would grow out of way too fast. This reluctance to consider motherhood of course, is also linked to the fact that I was always ambivalent about marriage, even though I’ve been engaged – twice. But getting married was never on the top of my list of goals for my life. And it’s not that I don’t meet nice guys that are husband material – I do, all the time. Jim is no different. Almost every man I’ve ever met has wanted to settle down and get married – contrary to all the recent reports that African American women are not finding men who want to marry them. I know it’s just because I always struggled with prioritizing my boyfriend over my nonprofit career. When faced with putting the time and effort into a long-term relationship, I have often chosen blogging or working late or traveling to a ton of conferences in my field. I’ve sometimes joked that if I would be fine if I ended up just like Oprah – rich, famous, and unmarried. I could live with that.
Then, seven months ago I turned 26 and everything started to change. My younger cousin had a baby – Elijah Marquis – and I completely fell in love with that kid. I could play with him all day, despite his baby drool and crying fits. Then I started becoming interested in other people’s kids. Before, I could care less about the baby pictures my friends were posting on Facebook as they began to build families of their own. I quickly got bored when my colleagues at work would tell stories about their kids. Now I smile when I see parents pushing their little ones in strollers, and peruse my friends’ baby photo albums saying “awww” the whole time.
I started my PhD program around the same time that I met Jim. I was convinced that at least for the next three years, I would be living the single life, maybe casually dating every once in a while. Then I figured out that there’s no such thing as balance when you’re a PhD student, and you have to live, love and learn all at once. Little did I know that the “love” part would hit so close to home. I had tried to compartmentalize my career, my school, my relationships, and it just wasn’t working. Then I did an interview with Samuel Issac Richard, who is one of my favorite Generation Y nonprofit leaders, who summed it all up nicely in describing his recent engagement to his girlfriend Kim:
For me, it’s hard to separate my passion for social justice and a stronger sector from my love for Kim. I know that sounds cheesy, but I say it because I don’t believe that the priorities have to be “balanced.” Maybe some see romantic relationships and marriage as barriers to success in a career, but my relationship with Kim has done nothing but aided and abetted my addiction to social change – and that won’t change anytime soon. She is my biggest fan and extremely supportive, but questions my crazy theories and challenges my assumptions. She is honest about my faults, but only because she believes that I can be better. And I’d like to think that I offer the same support and challenge for her. We work really well together, mainly because we understand that we’re in this together – whatever “this” happens to be at the moment. I’m looking forward to our next chapter, and trust that our story will not be unique among those that value their partner as an accomplice in the pursuit of their dreams.
Dating someone seriously is a lot harder when you separate your nonprofit work from your life. It becomes more difficult to “fit everything in” within the time you have outside of doing the work of social change. When you have someone that supports your work, it makes it a lot easier. But like Sam says, it also helps to think of romantic relationships and marriage as a complement to your life, rather than something that needs to be “put off” until you graduate from school, or get to a certain point in your career. As Penelope Trunk says, you have your whole life to get a career. And that there is never a “right time” to settle down.
In case you’re waiting for “the right time,” there is no evidence to show when is best to interrupt a career to have a child. No matter when it happens, a women’s career is thrown off track. Phyllis Moen, professor of sociology at the University of Minnesota, says, “Don’t wait until the right time in your career to have a child or it will never come.”
So, back to the rocket scientist. I went to New York last weekend to meet Jim’s parents for the first time. If my level of nervousness was any indication of how much I’m into him, then call me a fool in love. Thankfully, it was a great experience – me and his parents really hit it off. As soon as I walked in the door, it felt like I had come home. We went to his best friend’s wedding where his high school friends asked if we were engaged. His dad started calling me his “daughter-in-law” towards the end of the weekend.
And then I started thinking about babies again.
What freaks me out is that, at least for this one delicious moment in my life, I’ve found “an accomplice in the pursuit of my dreams” and it’s not something I want to ruin because I’m thinking a long-term relationship will get in the way of my saving the world.
What’s your experience been like? Is it hard living single in the nonprofit sector? Do you think Generation Y’s life priorities will naturally change as we get older, or is it something we have to do intentionally?
